Up, Close and Personal !!

12:45 AM, May 11, 2009

It was 10:00 AM. Wet hair, towel wrapped, ironed clothes on bed, silver eye pencil ready, favorite perfume dying to be held and lovely Cinderella sandals waiting to lift me up, et al. Yeah, I am going on a date with him. He's at the longest but last red light between us. It's gonna take him another 15 minutes to hold me in his arms. I become pretty, go down the stairs and look at my handsome man waiting for me to touch his cheeks with mine and say "Hi!" in his ears. I do. We go for a nice mushy romantic flick. We sip coffee. We talk a little. We go for a drive. We reach for horizon. We encounter an old fort. We enter. We sit at a cozy corner. We hold hands. We talk. We come close. We come closer. We kiss!!! The eyes closed, the heads tilted, the fingers interlocked, the legs crossed... Everything seems perfect. Suddenly, the hot kiss turns hotter. No, it turns warmer. It's not the passion burning. But, my eyes were dying to reach out to my lips so they just poured a thin droplet of water. Yes, my tears made the kiss hotter. He didn't ask anything. He just held my face and touched my forehead with his lips. I start to weep all the more. He says he loves me and hates to see me cry. He licks one of my lucky tears. And smiles. I smile too. He feels happy to see my smile. Now he asks for the reason. I am quiet and I look down. He comfortably adjusts my cheeks into his palms and asks me again. I cry even more. I say I am gonna miss him. He hugs me. Wipes my tears, place my twigs behind my ears and says "Explain what you just said!" And I go speechless again!!

(contd.)

Love, actually?!?

12: 26 AM, May 10, 2009

Are we done? Are we separated already? We aren't we into each other like we used to? Does he know my intentions? Why am I not able to do this to him? Why am I ignoring him when he's with me? Why am dying to be with him while he ignored me? Why I miss him when da cool breeze strikes my hair and goes from my ears to my nape? Why do I feel it's him hugging me from behind? Why I detach myself when he actually does that? W..H..Y..??????????

(contd.)

It's on now..

1:55 AM, May 07, 2009

He: Hey! Wassup!?
She: Nothing really. Just passing time.
He: Hmm..had food?
She: Yeah..did you?
He: Yeap!
She: Alright!!
He: Hmm..
She: ..................
He: ...............
(the silence began to sour! nobody is liking the awkward pauses!)
She: So...what else?
He: Nothing much.
She: Hmmm...
He: .....Is everything okay with you?
She: Yeah..why?
He: You sound disturbed? Anything bothering you?
She: NO!! Why you thinking that way?
He: Because I don't get those vibes from you anymore! You've started to behave so formal!!
She: Hold your horses! You don't have to think so much! I am fine.
He: Just look at the way you talking! What's wrong with you honey?
She: What do you mean by that? I am perfectly fine!
He: Is it because, after a month......
She: (interrupts) What? You think am frustrated?
He: I am not saying that darling. I am just asking if it is....
She: (snubs in) No....nothing like that! Just not keeping well.
He: Oh... What happened? Anything serious?
She: No. Just a little headache!
He: Oh okay. I was thinking if we......
She: (barges in) Can I sleep? I am really sleepy.
He: Sure sweets.
She:Thanks. Good Night.
He: Good Night baby. Sweet Dreams. Lov....... (She hangs up)

He is still wondering what's happening. She is not sleeping, of course. She is weeping and trying hard to control her emotions. But why? What is it? What after a month was He referring to?

(contd.)

I don't know what am I doing!?

1:34 AM, May 05, 2009

I was so rude to "him"! He just used some random harsh lines, like he does always! I was used to it. But why did I over react today? He didn't like it! He is not talking to me and I am showing no response to pamper his egotism. Why am I not? Why am I feeling gross about it, but not doing anything to make it better either. I know he's waiting for me to text apology but... :(

"Oh lord! Forgive me! For I don't know what am I doing!"

(contd.)

The Chosen "Ideal" One !!

I just came out of the room at my workplace, carrying a file, with pages trying to make their way out of it. Blame my boss to have kept them for months and not convert them into e-mails or CDs eh? Never mind. I still don’t remember the reason of wearing a salwar kameez with an extremely slippery dupatta that day. I felt as if my hair and my veil were in love with the wind and looking for an opportunity to fly with those stupid pages piled in my file. I was curious about the new project I was given. And more the information I could acquire from that file, better it was for me. I couldn't stop myself from getting lost into those pages and I started to walk. I approached the stairs and still engrossed. I take a turn and keep my foot on the first step of next set of stairs. May be Karan Johar was watching me and he signaled the artificial wind guy to blow some table-fan wind and my pages flipped through the file. I felt some little kids have broken the line and wouldn't want to get back. I didn’t know if I should take care of my dupatta, tie my hair or jus catch the pages. Yes, I did get hold of some of them and I turn back to collect a couple of them more. Not that this filmy thing was enough; the about-turn of my face collides my eyes with a tall-fair-cute looking guy. What??? What was he doing here?? At my workplace? What post is he being hired at??? When did he come??? I was all lost thinking these, when he got all the papers and shook me to life to hand over them to me!! He smiled and went upstairs!! I started to walk down again, still lost and engrossed; but this time in some other thoughts! *blush blush*
Is this my ideal match? Is he the chosen one? The romantic style of our first exchange of glances, really got me thinking; Serendipity!?
The second venue to look into more than just eyes came! We meet again! At the cafeteria. I knew he would smile at me! He did; so what if it was a ‘smile back'! We chose to sit together for lunch. He had a charmingly common name- Rahul. Okay I liked him, so the likeness towards the name.

After we were off to our respective desks, all I could think about was... Work, what else!? Only if I could stop a corner of my brain from thinking too much. But this petite corner had so much interesting to think about. I had heard sometime before, "Opposites Attract!” Do they? Really? Well, we were opposites. He was a guy, he was tall, he was handsome, he had short hair, he wore glasses, he had good biceps. et al. I didn't have any one of those. isn’t that being opposites?? huh? err...okay I was just being partial to my case. ;)
the attraction was soaring high between the two of us. He was a USA graduate and was transferred from our US branch to the Delhi one. so he didn't have much of friends here. Girls were shy to approach him and guys were jealous! (yes, guys do get jealous!!) I was the lucky one. The chosen one. We became friends. Our talks never ended. We just talked like there was no tomorrow. Would I call it a cultural difference or would I call it a dream come true? Yes, I prayed for us to be opposites, so that the attraction stays! We were oh-so-damn different. Rock music and country; action flicks and romantic; death race and long smooth drives; night outs and dinner with family; long island cocktail and orange juice!! This was him and me! We had everything mismatched! Sometimes I doubted if we could gel along but I had started to think way too far! It was 3 weeks; he hadn't asked me out yet! One night, I couldn't sleep. He sent in a text message, saying he couldn't either. We asked each other if something was bothering. No answer we had. And we planned to talk. We did. It was 4 am. And we didn't want to hang up. We just wanted to talk as much as we could. We even discussed the thoughts striking our mind, when we saw each other the first time. And he confessed he has a crush on me! I was springing up on my bed but had to hide, lest he should figure out the intensity of my desperation! ;)
I reacted calm and composed; he asked if I felt the same. I couldn't have missed this opportunity to signal him. And I agreed to the bits. The excitement went on over the phone. And he asked me out! Do I need to mention I said 'yes'? Of course I did.
We met off work, went for a movie and had coffee. He was dropping me back when he gave me a red rose and said he loved me and would want me to be with him forever; irrespective of his ups and downs, highs and lows and whatever. I was happy. I wanted to say ‘yes’ to him then and there. But before I could, he asked if I needed time to think. I agreed and said would talk on phone. We spoke that night. I gave my justification. I told him we were opposites of the core and we would have to bridge the gap in our thoughts. He laughed off and said "Opposites Attract" and I smiled too. But we decided we would cover up the distance by respecting each other's decisions; I would make an effort to do things his way and vice versa! It sounded workable to us. We agreed and we promoted our friendship to a relationship. We met more frequently off work; office romance is worth mentioning too. Exchanging glances, winking and blushing, trying to get the same project, et al.
Now it was a random day of our dates; we went for a movie. Suddenly the boss called; he said I was getting transferred to some other branch. Somewhere in south india. We were happy; it was a part of my promotion. We went for coffee, as usual. But I couldn't smile. I was not happy. Not that I was going to south india. It was a career growth. The reason was weird. I noticed in one of the fancy mirrors at the coffee shop; I had developed oil on my hair!! Eeks....oil?? Yeah, I hadn't washed my hair that day thinking they weren't dirty enough! I was feeling inferior. I thought he was looking prettier than me. (he was fair and cute! he can be labeled pretty!) . I was not feeling good; I thought he'd dump me because I was not looking pretty. And that mood spoiler was on my face. He caught that am not happy. Luckily, he thought I am not happy because I was going down south and we would get separated. Now that was a food for thought. Why was not I thinking THIS? Why was not I upset that we'll separate? Why was I only concentrating on my hair? I had no answers! Anyway, he dropped me back home. He was giving me solutions to cope with the long distance relationship! I wasn't interested! I was more focused on how bad I was looking that day! I even tried to hide my inferiority; I kept asking him "Do u love me?", "Would you love me forever?” The sweet boy of mine did whatever to please me; his perpetual kisses on my forehead while he was driving kept me in confidence! And now it was time for me to step back home. We kissed good bye and went on. I couldn't control my feet but rushed to my bedroom mirror. Now I was thinking what I was supposed to, then. Why am I losing out my attraction on him? Why am I not bothered by the fact that I have been transferred? Why am I not feeling the same infatuation I used to? It was time for me to introspect! I changed, checked some e-mails, replied some, downloaded some music, gossiped little and was off to my bed. I couldn't sleep. I was into the "thinking mode"! I love him, don't I? Of course. I do. Then why am I not able to concentrate on him when we meet? Why don't I feel like calling him up or text him "I Love You" randomly? Well, I used to! USED TO?? Why USED TO? We are still together! We haven't broken up! Wait a minute, are we really together? I mean, TOGETHER? I guess, not! We aren't! Yes, I had been avoiding this thought to come into my head! But I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I have to face the truth. We aren't together! If being physically together is togetherness, oh hell of together we are. But, the charm, the feeling, the love is lost! Reason? Too low in intensity but too much for the detachment! We tried to cover up the distance of "difference" we had! As easy as it may sound, couldn't happen! Relationships are no joke! You can't implement what you plan! It's like cricket. When you have to make 3 runs off 10 balls and you're happy! But when Sreesanth is about to deliver the hat-trick ball after your 9 wickets are being gunned down, you never know what's going to happen!
The opposite thing I was feeling so happy about was no more a source of my happiness. No matter how modern and trendy attire and accessories I wear, I still have my culture going strong! He wants me to show him how much I love him, in a THEATRE? Now that's ridiculous! The things I laugh at for others, he wants me to do the same! For god's sake, a theatre?! When the hall guy comes with a torch in his hand flashing light on your face to check if we are sitting at the right seat! How gross! But HE is okay with it! For him it's a random cozy corner to show and get showed the mutual love we have!!! Elk! This was one! Second comes, almost similar, when we go to his place for some mutual project we had to work on. Almost two hours we have been trying to crack something but can't. We decide to hold on, take a break. I go and prepare some coffee. When I come back, I see him fiddling with his some DVDs and he asks if I am okay with some movie along with coffee. Why on this earth, would I say no? I give "what-a-silly-question" look and we sit back with our hot steaming cups of coffee. I wait for something to flash on his laptop screen! WHAT THE FISH...I mean, what crap! What the heck is happening in here? Why has he put a nasty movie? Why am I getting to see two unknown Hollywoodish men in their boxers?? Why is the girl wearing a hot bikini when there isn’t any beach? Why are my eyes as wide and round like a bowling ball? Why is he showing me explicit content? I ask him, why has he put on such dirt on his laptop? He says he wants to spice up our love life and this is an important aspect! I agree but why would I want to do something like a PopcORN star?? It's sick and cheap! So much for his NRI mind, he enjoys and loves to the core! Now I was realizing that the Murphy’s law of "Opposites Attract" is only for technical stuff like magnets and electricity, not humans for sure! Third, was when I could not think on the similar lines he was. I remember the time, when he called me a smart girl, a sharp woman, an intelligent female, et al. But now when he calls me a "blonde", I don't like it! I feel insulted! Yes, I know he just teases me. He's troubling me because he loves to see me sad and loves even more to make me happy. I respect that. I truly respect that. But why does he have to call me a "blonde"? May be because I can't help in his personal matters! I don't have solutions to his family problems or work problems (we do sometimes have different projects to work on, and have no idea how to deal with them!). Now if I can't give a workable solution to him, does that mean I am immature? A "blonde"? I know I am making it hyper, but I can't forget his words he had said once; "I hate blondes; they're such a turn off!”

Fourth came with his obsession with sick words like F, S, B, C and all dose unethical words! I can't help if I don't like abusing. Yes I love fighting and arguing, but abusing? Why does his every sentence have 3 couples of F's of different shades and skin, a la United Colors of F'enetton? Why can't he be quiet and calm to word his excitement? Alright, I know the sense of excitement can’t be put on hold with composed words. But I use words like "yayy", "woppie", "wow", "whoa" or may be "se*y"! I am sounding kiddish, I know. But I don't find using F and S and C words, some kind of a mature thing or something, I am sorry. This is where we began to detach and diverge. I sensed the low level of attraction between us and reducing. We had started to share some awkward silences on phone. We plan to discuss them out. And we do! The solution? "We are losing out on passion, so some cozy mornings on phone would do!” These words still haunt me! Not that I was beginning to think he was desperate (oh yes he was!) But I hated him to start and end everything with THIS! And what I discovered then, the only thing keeping us attached us were some tiny kisses and forceful "love u"s at the end of each "bye" we used when we were about to disconnect the call. I was on a break; was not going to work. So the meeting rate of ours had dropped drastically!! The only place he wanted me to meet him was either a theatre or his place! Both of them now gave me shivers! I now began to regret! Why did I say yes to him? Why was I so attracted to this cannibal? Why can't he just get a life and imagine the romance with some beautiful words and not body? He says he can't use those mushy words! Why? Why can't he? He defends; he has never done that and finds it highly irritating! Was that another insult to the mushy words I use with him? To the romantic messages I used to send before every sleep I caught? He expects me to try new stuff and make it his way, why can't I expect the same? Why can't he give it a shot? He again defends and says "Accept me the way I am; I had told you earlier, I am no easy to be taken care of!" And gives me an evil grin! I had now caught the hint, that he expected only me to change! and I was not liking the cultural make over I was going through! I was made to do some random weird s*x talk! I can't, I am not comfortable! He says, I am being over shy and need to get out with it! And show some love of mine through PDAs (Public Display of Affection, that means)! I can't, I am just not okay with it! I can't sit with my fingers reaching his shoulders, when he sits right in front of me at a coffee shop! I can't eat a melted chocolate with him at an open restaurant and expect him to wipe off! Grow up dude! It's not happening with me! I am just not easy with it! He said I lacked passion! So? What do I do? Buy a new Hero Honda Passion Pro? Huh? He wants me to show my passion in front of 100 people staring at us! Wow! Sounds cool? Sorry, not to me!
The line was now coming in! I was sensing the "no-heart" to talk or meet or anything! I couldn't take him anymore! I just wanted to run and take a deep breath! I was felt like a sham! I couldn't face my mirror! It was not me! I am no emo girl! I am no vintage woman too! But I am not just what I was becoming! He wants me to accept him the way he is! What's wrong if I expect the same? Is it wrong if I want him to love the shy girl and not the punk female? Is it? I’ll tell u! Yes, it is! I am expecting all wrong! And why even am I expecting? I shouldn't be! Yes yes, I shouldn't have!
My step was wrong, right at the beginning! I got carried away by those fictions’ novels and TV serials where in a big guy meets a small woman and they lived happily ever after! No, it doesn't happen like that in real. Yes, opposites do attract but only similarities get the relation going! I hate myself to get infatuated to something as filmy like this! I took it all as destiny's signals and went on! Destiny's fool! Wouldn't have I been happier with a guy who would not force me to become what I am not? Wouldn't have I been happier with a guy who would compliment me "You're pretty or you look beautiful" but "You look hot my se*y babe!"? May be it sounds like "the grass is greener on the other side!" But that's the reality! The attraction fades away! It jus diminishes with time with a guy who just can't click with you! There isn't any point! Please don't say, love is not about points and postulates! But love also isn’t about talking corny with a person, forcefully and then feel like a cheap woman! I know, I know, love with brains is no love! But, I am talking about relationships, companionship! Let love be with SRK and Brad Pitt or may be Brett Lee! But to gel along, to make it a better life, you need an understanding partner, a similar track companion, a friend! Sometimes using brains in excess, gets you the best! Refrain getting into the introspect mode like I do now! You have to be with somebody, whom you can be both naughty and nice with! Only naughty and only nice is as pathetic! All shy girls have "the basic instinct" in them, but they hate to get it out, the way I did! In theatres, in coffee shops, through nasty flicks!! Gross I feel! I feel sorry for my heart for the torture I had done to it!
We're separated now, and friends! I am happy! We gel more now! I am seeing someone else for the past one year; just the kinds I never knew I wanted! Nothing opposite in us! No destiny got us met! We just got it flowing! And we're happy. I am out of "Mills & Boons" and "Pride & Prejudice". I am into reality now. And I am happy. :)

I will now end up this never ending & boring, yet again not-successful love story. with a cliché piece of advice in the end though. When you think, you are opposite to a person whom you're attracted to, but it's hell of an infatuation; it's a signal! No, not that s/he's the one! It's a signal to STAY AWAY! Let them be just crushes! The real deal is not happening!
The one who said "Opposites Attract in Love” has probably never been in Love! ;)

Messed ...

This is a time, which everybody encounters in their lives! When we feel screwed up, totally messed. When our ex employer confesses s/he liked us too and still, irrespective of his wedding to some random gorgeous woman or handsome hunk; when the commitment phobic person cannot take the news of our marriage and surprisingly gets a life, to spend with us; when our best friend feels the hots for us after hearing our incidents with our crushes; when we get to know that our school crush resides near our hostel and s/he is single; when we ... Do these things ever come to a standstill? It sometimes feels so good that these things don't stop, but pessimism takes charge. The worst part of the things can never be put to halt. Why do our boy friends like the Shakespearean words of some other female "blogger"; why do our moms stare at us when we talk to an opposite sex late at night; why do our brothers have so many opinions if we have to live in an apartment in an alien city because of non availability of hostel; why do our college teachers give us kinky smiles during a thoughtful lecture; why unsolicited, a little more baby fat on our tummy makes home; why .. why .. why .. Why do these "why's" get so much pessimism along? There isin't any genuine smile on our face when we meet our ex's or have our favorite chocolates. Feels disgusting, doesn't it? May be we blame the extra spare time we have and nothing to do. But we never stop thinking. Time or no time, we think but don't vent out. So many questions pop into our head, so many people behave weird all of a sudden, so many things go out of our hand and WE CAN'T DO ANY FISH ABOUT IT !!! But isn't it better this way? Moms and Dads ask us not to touch the fire, it's hot. Do we listen to them? Do we stop? No, why should we? Why do we tell our kids that fire is hot, just because we were told by our parents? Why not to discover the new patterns of life? Touch the fire, live extreme speed, drink and walk the cliff, et al. Sounds stupid? But we do, don't we! We do drink and drive @ 120km/hr and die!! Because we were just told that we'd have an accident, but didn't we want to experience the intensity of truth in it? So why do we crib when things don't go in our favor? Why are we sad when our ex's currents talk rude to us? Wouldn't we do that to our currents' ex's? Yes we would, so much for our insecurity!! Why don't WE move on, ourselves? We're the ones who ask our friends to move on and forget things or give them a "chill-pill" that things would be fine! Why don't we make them applicable to ourselves.?Why don't we get over with it? Why don't we catch hold of another guy when our ex's dump us or behave weird? Why don't we stop talking to the opposite sex until our mom is around and resume when she is asleep? There is a solution to every mess we create and prolong. No matter how far it's stretched, it does have an end, a permanent solution. Doesn't this sound like some random optimistic session? Well, that's how the cookie crumbles !! That's how life moves on!! But you never stop making it spicy. After all, an extra marital is tempting, isn't it ? ;)